Fear Factor

When I was a kid, I was scared of a few things. Scared of going into the hall way leading into my room when it was dark by myself. Scared of getting locked inside a department store or restaurant at closing time. Scared of Abraham Lincoln. Yep, You heard me. Honest Abe. I had a reoccuring nightmare growing up that Abraham Lincoln walked around all zombie like, without bending his knees and he had kidnapped my brother. And I would search the streets of our town looking for him. Abraham Lincoln is a creepy looking guy if you think about it. But you gotta love what he did for this country, even if he was a zombie.

Now as an adult I am not scared of childhood things like that. And thankfully, Abe no longer visits my dreams. But I do wrestle with fear. Different fear. This is something that has been on my heart for a while to share on my blog. So run and go tell your friends...maybe I'll get an 8th follower! ;) I know usually my blog is very toungue and cheek. Todays post will be different. (Well except for the Abraham Lincoln zombie reference)

I remember reading somewhere in a book, that woman have tendancy to believe a certain lie that is customized for them by Satan. Something they wrestle with constantly. That little nagging reminder that you can't...you don't....you're not...you didn't...

So let me share my biggest fear with you...

Something will happen...and it's my fault.

To me, that is the BIGGEST fear in my life. Something tragic, something hurtful, something painful could happen to someone I love, and it would be MY doing. This thought, at least to me, is unbearable. This fear has presented itself in my life in a control issue. I honestly believe I have a slight form of OCD because of this fear. Fear that I will leave my house with the door unlocked. So what have I done in the past? I check the door..and recheck...and check one more time...just in case (because you can never be too sure of Abe Lincoln zombies in your neighborhood).

The oven. Heaven forbid I forget to leave an eye on the stove on. For I fear the house will burn to a crisp and it would be my doing.

Same goes with the iron, my flat iron for my hair and the coffee maker. All potential house burners. eek!

But worse than the house actually burning down and worse than someone breaking in, would be the fact knowing that it was because I forgot to turn something off or lock the door. Because I would never want to cause anyone pain or hurt because of a stupid mistake. The worst part is that I KNOW I have done these things. Ive locked the door. Ive turned the key, Ive checked the oven once already, I remember unplugging the iron and then I think....but what if? Are you sure you're sure?

This is something I have wrestled with and wrestled with, even reaching as far as salvation. I admit I have prayed that prayer a few times, but many times out of fear. Fear I said it wrong. Did it wrong. And to disappoint my Lord, ...that would be the hardest thing to face. I became almost embarrased at the amount of times I prayed. Many dates written in my Bible, thinking THIS was it. THIS is the time. And I'd go back. Back to that lie where I heard that whisper nag at me and say "No...you didnt mean it. You didnt do it right. I'd invision standing before God in heaven and him saying "No you missed step 2 and 3."

And then after a while. I began to look at things differently. I slowly realized that my salvation wasn't in my hands to keep. (Thank goodness) It wasnt about a formulaic prayer. It wasn't about steps. It is, however, about what I believe, what I know, what I trust. And knowing that maybe my prayers aren't the most poetic, but feeling relief that God knows my heart.

So in order to beat back this fear...the fear of something happening...and it being my doing...I had to turn to prayer in those times of fear. Of course I do lock my doors and shut off my oven, but when I begin to have that fear creep up of "Did I? Did I do that realy?" I have to pray that God will take care of it despite if I didn't. That is the fear I still have to wrestle with. I can't always say I win out on it everytime. There are times I check my hair iron 2 or 3 times before leaving on vacation or check the door even though my husband has said he has locked it. But it's no where near the obsessive point where it used to be. I'm a work in progress.

When it comes to my fear of the keeper of my salvation. I can honestly and joyfully say, I no longer fear it. For I know who is the keeper of my salvation. And thank God it isn't me!

Phil. 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.